Tag Archives: Poo

An Ode to Dietary Fibre

So, this article was originally called ‘I just can’t wait to be s***’ (a parody of the Lion King’s ‘I just can’t wait to be king’). But shortly after hitting ‘post’, I panicked. What if people don’t read the article but they see the title? I for one am NOT waiting in line to become a turd and I can’t for one second have anyone believing that I am. I have a reputation to protect.

You: Rach, you wrote a book with a bright pink cartoon uterus on the cover, what part of your reputation is left to protect?

Me: How very dare you? The cover of Periods, Poo & A Glorious You is a modern masterpiece … and that is a hill I am willing to die on!

You: Okay, okay! Can you just teach me about dietary fibre already?

Me: How about we get dietary fibres to address you directly. After all, they genuinely can’t wait to be s***.

‘I Just Can’t Wait To Be S***’ is a parody performed by dietary fibre. The lyrics are what I’m assuming they ‘sing’ as they anticipate the glory of sliding out of your intestinal slippery dip in one, long, smooth, satisfying piece. Basically, this poopy performance is about the journey of poo.

We really gotta hand it to The Lion King, don’t we? I mean, the lyrics ‘I just can’t wait to be king’ can so easily be changed to ‘I just can’t wait to be s***’ (it’s almost as if Elton John knew), which is exactly what the fibres in your favourite foods are thinking as they begin their digestive field trip.

If you’re up for a digestive field trip – complete with digestive enzymes that hi-ho like the seven dwarfs – look no further than chapter three of Periods, Poo & A Glorious You. Available here.

Last time we met, we compared The Circle of Life to our gut microbiomes. Today, I’ll be taking cues from Sir Elton John and Tim Rice (songwriting royalty), altering their classic Lion King hit to talk, quite literally, about the journey of s***. But first, a moment to appreciate that carefully embedded rhyme … thank you.

You: What rhyme?

Me: Hit and S*** … duh.

“Oh I just can’t wait to be s***”

It’s a song that has been performed countless times before by all of your fibrous friends. From the resistant starch in your leftover baked potatoes to the prebiotics in the cashews that you give ‘come hither’ looks to every time you spy them sitting sexily upon the pantry shelf.

In fact, I believe that these muffins won a ‘Crappy’ award (the colonic-equivalent of a ‘Grammy’) at last year’s MTV (Massive Turd Video) awards. Okay, so clearly that last part is fictional, but isn’t learning far more engaging when humour is used as an educational medium? I mean, would there be a brown carpet at the Crappies? Would the gold trophies be in the shape of a toilet? Who would host the ceremony?

You: Rach, you need help.

Me: do I though?

(Bowel) Movements & Lyrics

Fibre: I’m gonna be a mighty turd, so toilets best beware

Me: Well I’ve never met a spud or seed with so much bulk to share

Fibre: I’m gonna give these bowels a vent,

Like no shit has before

I’m brushing up on flushing down

And tightening up your core

I’ll go so far, your gut can’t help but sing

Oh I just can’t wait to be s***

No one passing “just piss”

They’ll be passing “mushed pear”

With the help of “good fats

I’ll fly out of their rear

Me: for a long, long time, you know you’ve had my heart

Fibre: Oh Rach, we love to make you fart

Me: Down to my colon, you are headed

and soon, you’ll come right out …

…Of my rear, how spec-tac-u-lar

that’s what this song’s about …

… your journey to becoming faecal bling

Fibre: Oh I just can’t wait to be s***

The take-home?

We need dietary fibre and we need a wide variety of them at that. It’s not a matter of just taking a fibre supplement or buying bread that has been fortified with a trademarked form of resistant starch. We need to brainstorm all of the veggies, fruits, nuts, seeds, legumes and whole grains (not wheat, unless it’s organic) that we enjoy and aim to include as many of them as possible throughout the week.

Those with the most varied diets (well, those who consume the most varied amounts of natural plant fibres) generally have the best health outcomes (and the most satisfying bowel motions). So please. Stop starving your gut bugs by eating fibre-devoid meals or restricting your food intake to such a degree that you gut bugs suffer.

And if you’re currently LYAO*

*Laughing Your Ass Off, may I suggest you adopt my first hilarious book; Periods, Poo & A Glorious You? As a self-published author and qualified nutritionist, I invested in my own work so that for a small fee, you would have access to just about every health lesson I learned between the ages of 12-22 .

This is the ‘bible’ I wished I’d been handed before I began middle school. The resource my immune system wished I’d had before I developed autoimmune hepatitis. The publication that my gut bugs wished I’d had (or more specifically, my parents had) from birth.

And when you purchase direct from me, you’re helping me earn back that investment. Buying from the publisher or places like Booktopia means that for the same cost to you, I earn a lot, lot less. I sell through them as well, only to reach (and thus help) a wider audience. So, if it’s no trouble for you, I’d be grateful if you chose to purchase direct from me.

And to say thank you, if you purchase two or three at a time from my home warehouse, you get a glorious discount and (I’m assuming) one or two of your lucky loved ones will be gifted a book by the GLORIOUS you.

Thank you in advance for supporting me and my mission to heal hormones, bowels and brains the nation over.

Oh, and if you’re after personalised support, your first nutritional consult or counselling session with me comes with a book as well.

In Defence of Food

As a nutritionist, and food-loving human, it is my job to lend a voice to the innocent ingredients that are commonly used as diet-shaming clickbait. As nutritional science can get drier than cereal without milk, I’m sprucing up the conversation by turning it into a lively courtroom drama. Welcome to Raw & Disorder, let’s begin.

In the nutritional justice system, dietary based offenses do not sustain us. In this article, a whimsical nutritionist lends her platform to vilified food stuffs. These are their stories. *Dun, Dun*.

Continue reading In Defence of Food

A Planatary Guide to Pooping

Humour via horoscopes.

I’m a sucker for all that zodiac jazz.

It’s also no secret that I love talking turds.

With the toilet paper hoarding of late going down, I thought it might be fun to personify 12 foods that help to co-create euphoric bowel motions and meet them from an astrological perspective.

Some foods are common whilst some are quirky, because if you can’t name drop a few innovative ingredients in an article about astrology where can you?

At the very least, it should inspire you to amend your anal evacuations, saving you the irrational fear of toilet paper insecurity. A good poo is one that barely needs a wipe down after voiding.

Continue reading A Planatary Guide to Pooping

Happy Birthday Baby

Happy Birthday to Periods

Happy Birthday to Poo

Happy Birthday Book Baby

You’re a Glorious You!


Yesterday was my baby’s first birthday!

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful. You’re glorious, you’re you. The perfect place, for a vulva face and a happy smiling poo. Who wouldn’t want to read you through?

To celebrate, I’ve written her a love song.

Thanks for the inspiration, James Blunt.

If you want to celebrate with me, feel free to make her (and my) day and adopt of a copy (or two, or three) of her glorious pages.

Everyone who purchases a copy (or several) of my papery offspring, will score a complementary 30-minute personalised nutrition Q&A with me. All your burning questions answered.

If you already own the book, buy a copy for a loved one and keep the consult for yourself. That’s still a consult for the price of a book.

And now, for a little ditty to make y’all giggle, because we all need a little extra humour at the moment.


You’re Glorious, You’re You!


Hey book, you’re brilliant

Your message pure

You are an angel

I so adore

Your smile and your display

Your loyal fans

Your unassuming humour

Your cheeky plans


You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful

You’re glorious, You’re you

The perfect place

For a vulva face

And a happy, smiling poo

Who wouldn’t want to read you through?


If my over-use of embedded links failed to entice you, below are a few visually pleasing links, one of which has stars on it.

I look forward to treating you to a complementary nutrition Q&A.

If you missed it on Facebook, I performed the chorus for ya’ll.

Sing for immunity

On Saturday I posted this goofy video with the intention of granting humour to news feeds bogged down with COVID-19 pessimism.

My friends were probably thinking ‘Rach, stop singing’, but they’re too polite to say so. Oh well, at least my vagus nerve was happy (this nerve, which acts as someone of a telephone connection between the gut and the brain LOVES it when we sing, its like therapy for this cranial nerve).

And seeing as 70% of the immune system sits in the gut, to my precious immune cells I say ‘you are most welcome‘.

It’s no secret that I love ginger … and nut butter.

In fact, I love nut butter so much that I wrote a whole chapter about it, called Buttery Blended Nuts, which contains one of my favourite sections in the entire book. The oil plant high school reunion.

Hahaha, this whimsical character sketch never gets old! Check out the smug look on Peanut’s face. Classic.

Speaking of peanut. I cannot stress enough how incredible the following combo tastes;

  • Fresh ginger
  • Dried fruit of choice (I recommend raisins or dates or a dried fruit-medley with figs and apricots too)
  • Nut (or seed) butter of choice

It is a gingernut biscuit batter party in your mouth with all the immune-boosting properties of ginger, cell-renewing benefits of nuts and sweet fibrous offerings of dehydrated fruit. Genius.

I am so excited by this combination that I wrote a parody about it. It’s not called Price Tag (I’d never rip Jessie J off). It’s my vice brag. Not that I consider peanut butter out of the jar a ‘vice’, but I needed a rhyme and some might think my double-dipping disgusting.

I wish to inform you that I am the only one in my house who eats peanut butter. One jar doesn’t even last me a week. There’s no risk of cross contamination, nor microbial accumulation. I keep it clean and I keep it whimsical. And on that reputation-covering note, here’s the S*** I sing on Saturdays (my Facebook friend probably wish I didn’t). Enjoy amigos.

Vice Brag


“Peanut butter fan, apricot head and tahini, ginger’s ready”


Seems like everybody’s got a vice,

A crutch the like to hold real tight

Under a veil they thirst

For the thing they reckon

Will put a smile on their dial


Why should I think I’m delirious

Because I take my nut butter so serious

I slap it on pies

And steamed Broccoli

It’s always a bloody good time


An oversized spoon in my left (hand)

A jar of nut butter in my right (hand)

I don’t really wanna share,

My nut butter portions, alright


It doesn’t cost much money, money, money

Nor make my poos runny, runny, runny

But it makes my Vitamix dance

Into the blender from the nut bag

Ginger gives it; za-zing, za-zing

Dried friut makes it; sa-sing, sa-sing

And it makes my Vitamix Dance

And that’s my humble vice brag


Love to y’all. Stay happy and wash your hands often. Yours in balancing hysteria with humour,

Rachie xxx

Carby Girl

Hiya, it’s Kayla Kumara, celebrated producer of the ‘fictitious’ – we only exist in Rach’s musical imagination – fibre-celebrating band, ‘Flour Power’. Yesterday, we gave our first performance and it received so many carbohydrate-appreciating giggles that we’re following it up with an encore.

A personalised shout-out to our glorious groupie, Lana, who requested we take a trip back to the 90’s with an iconic Aqua spin-off that we’ve aptly named ‘Carby Girl’. We’ll let you figure out what the original was called, but here’s a hint; perky plastic breasts.

Continue reading Carby Girl

Don’t Stop, Carb Eating

Howdy friends, my name is Riley Rice, lead vocalist for the fictitious band ‘Flour Power’. On guitar we have Borris Buckwheat, Drums is Peter Potato and our epic producer is Kayla Kumara.

We are on a mission to silence the carby skeptics whilst celebrating the merits of saccharides, starch and fibre. Actually Rach is on a mission, but she sensed that you’d be far more entertained if we championed her message with our musical flare. Flour Power!

Continue reading Don’t Stop, Carb Eating

Gut Busters

Faced with a gut myth and don’t know where to turn? Who you gonna call? Gut busters!

Last week I invited Ginger on to set us straight about her spicy merits and today, we are lucky enough to be joined by Connor Colon from Gut Busters (a.k.a your colon – the distal end of your digestive tract). Connor is going to bust 3 common myths about gut health so we can all rest easy and save our pennies in the process.

Continue reading Gut Busters

Foodgasm Spotlight: Ginger

I am currently obsessed with ginger. So besotted by this spicy root that I am eating her raw off the knob. Dirty stuff, right?

I’m a redhead. In other words, a ginger nut. On an auburn level does this make me a cannibal? Hmm, a hairy dilemma indeed. I digress.

I could rave for days about how amazing raw ginger tastes with raisins and peanut butter or how when you put her in your mouth at the same time as roasted sweet potato and creamy almond butter you land yourself in a ‘foodie dream team’ version of heaven.

But I’ll do you one better. I’ve invited Miss Ginger Root herself on to talk about why she’s so fabulous. Welcome Ginger.

Continue reading Foodgasm Spotlight: Ginger