With the toilet paper hoarding of late going down, I thought it might be fun to personify 12 foods that help to co-create euphoric bowel motions and meet them from an astrological perspective.
Some foods are common whilst some are quirky, because if you can’t name drop a few innovative ingredients in an article about astrology where can you?
At the very least, it should inspire you to amend your anal evacuations, saving you the irrational fear of toilet paper insecurity. A good poo is one that barely needs a wipe down after voiding.
You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful. You’re glorious, you’re you. The perfect place, for a vulva face and a happy smiling poo. Who wouldn’t want to read you through?
To celebrate, I’ve written her a love song.
Thanks for the inspiration, James Blunt.
If you want to celebrate with me, feel free to make her (and my) day and adopt of a copy (or two, or three) of her glorious pages.
Everyone who purchases a copy (or several) of my papery offspring, will score a complementary 30-minute personalised nutrition Q&A with me. All your burning questions answered.
If you already own the book, buy a copy for a loved one and keep the consult for yourself. That’s still a consult for the price of a book.
And now, for a little ditty to make y’all giggle, because we all need a little extra humour at the moment.
You’re Glorious, You’re You!
Hey book, you’re brilliant
Your message pure
You are an angel
I so adore
Your smile and your display
Your loyal fans
Your unassuming humour
Your cheeky plans
You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful
You’re glorious, You’re you
The perfect place
For a vulva face
And a happy, smiling poo
Who wouldn’t want to read you through?
If my over-use of embedded links failed to entice you, below are a few visually pleasing links, one of which has stars on it.
On Saturday I posted this goofy video with the intention of granting humour to news feeds bogged down with COVID-19 pessimism.
My friends were probably thinking ‘Rach, stop singing’, but they’re too polite to say so. Oh well, at least my vagus nerve was happy (this nerve, which acts as someone of a telephone connection between the gut and the brain LOVES it when we sing, its like therapy for this cranial nerve).
And seeing as 70% of the immune system sits in the gut, to my precious immune cells I say ‘you are most welcome‘.
In fact, I love nut butter so much that I wrote a whole chapter about it, called Buttery Blended Nuts, which contains one of my favourite sections in the entire book. The oil plant high school reunion.
Hahaha, this whimsical character sketch never gets old! Check out the smug look on Peanut’s face. Classic.
Speaking of peanut. I cannot stress enough how incredible the following combo tastes;
Dried fruit of choice (I recommend raisins or dates or a dried fruit-medley with figs and apricots too)
Nut (or seed) butter of choice
It is a gingernut biscuit batter party in your mouth with all the immune-boosting properties of ginger, cell-renewing benefits of nuts and sweet fibrous offerings of dehydrated fruit. Genius.
I am so excited by this combination that I wrote a parody about it. It’s not called Price Tag (I’d never rip Jessie J off). It’s my vice brag. Not that I consider peanut butter out of the jar a ‘vice’, but I needed a rhyme and some might think my double-dipping disgusting.
I wish to inform you that I am the only one in my house who eats peanut butter. One jar doesn’t even last me a week. There’s no risk of cross contamination, nor microbial accumulation. I keep it clean and I keep it whimsical. And on that reputation-covering note, here’s the S*** I sing on Saturdays (my Facebook friend probably wish I didn’t). Enjoy amigos.
Vice Brag
“Peanut butter fan, apricot head and tahini, ginger’s ready”
Seems like everybody’s got a vice,
A crutch the like to hold real tight
Under a veil they thirst
For the thing they reckon
Will put a smile on their dial
Why should I think I’m delirious
Because I take my nut butter so serious
I slap it on pies
And steamed Broccoli
It’s always a bloody good time
An oversized spoon in my left (hand)
A jar of nut butter in my right (hand)
I don’t really wanna share,
My nut butter portions, alright
It doesn’t cost much money, money, money
Nor make my poos runny, runny, runny
But it makes my Vitamix dance
Into the blender from the nut bag
Ginger gives it; za-zing, za-zing
Dried friut makes it; sa-sing, sa-sing
And it makes my Vitamix Dance
And that’s my humble vice brag
Love to y’all. Stay happy and wash your hands often. Yours in balancing hysteria with humour,
Hiya, it’s Kayla Kumara, celebrated producer of the ‘fictitious’ – we only exist in Rach’s musical imagination – fibre-celebrating band, ‘Flour Power’. Yesterday, we gave our first performance and it received so many carbohydrate-appreciating giggles that we’re following it up with an encore.
A personalised shout-out to our glorious groupie, Lana, who requested we take a trip back to the 90’s with an iconic Aqua spin-off that we’ve aptly named ‘Carby Girl’. We’ll let you figure out what the original was called, but here’s a hint; perky plastic breasts.
Howdy friends, my name is Riley Rice, lead vocalist for the fictitious band ‘Flour Power’. On guitar we have Borris Buckwheat, Drums is Peter Potato and our epic producer is Kayla Kumara.
We are on a mission to silence the carby skeptics whilst celebrating the merits of saccharides, starch and fibre. Actually Rach is on a mission, but she sensed that you’d be far more entertained if we championed her message with our musical flare. Flour Power!
